Anxiety is real. It exists. For all of those who think it’s made up or people fake it, I’m here to explain how it feels. I’m here to explain the cruelty of it.

I never had anxiety growing up.. up until high school I didn’t even know what it was. As stress built up and my thoughts took over my head, the days felt like years, and soon enough I was up in the middle of the night shaking and crying and some of the time I didn’t even really know why. It just happens.

Anxiety can sometimes get worse in time. I was one to never deal with change well and with relationships, I was always giving too much and not getting anything in return. The nights laying awake shaking and frusturated seemed to get worse. Even worse, nobody believed me. Everyone said I was just having a bad day or that I was upset and stressed out. Everyone said I can control it. Everyone is wrong. 

You can’t control anxiety. Anxiety takes over you. It makes you overthink the worst possible scenarios. In some cases it causes you to make yourself depressed or sick to your stomach. Anxiety is one of the worst things you can ever experience. Because you can’t fight against it. Your head will overflow and overflow with thoughts and worries and it will cause your body to get nervous and shake and not sleep.. 

Anxiety is brutal, if you know someone who suffers from it, be understanding, be a good listener, but most of all, believe them.. and be there for them. Anxiety is a lot less painful when you have a loved one holding you. 


This is why you should date the girl who waits for you..

A few years ago, I was indeed the “fool” as everyone said that was waiting for a guy to come around and come to his senses.. and here’s why I encourage you to choose the girl who waits.

She genuinely cares for you.

Nobody is going to wait around for anyone or anything unless they are sure that their feelings are real and true. She isn’t going to sit around for nothing, if she’s patiently waiting for you, I promise there’s a lot more there than you think. She knows her feelings aren’t going anywhere, she’s confident they will not change nor fade. She lets you have space, time, whatever you need, because she knows in her heart how she feels and she loves you enough to be patient until maybe one day you admit your feelings too.

She has patience, but most of all she understands why you do the things you do.. And she’s okay with it(for now).

I’m not saying she’s going to wait FOREVER for you. But she will wait quite some time in hope one day you come to her. The thing about a girl who genuinely loves you, she understands you on a more complex, deeper level than anyone else you’ve ever come in contact with. She gets that sometimes everything isn’t so easy. Sometimes it can be hard, difficult, confusing, complicated, and as much as she wants to slap some sense into what’s in front of you.. she understands you must figure it out on your own. She understands she isn’t your girlfriend, or has any kind of label right now, perhaps you’re with someone else or you’re entertaining other women, and even though the odds aren’t with her right now, she’s happy for you because your happiness will always come before her own.

She promises to wait for you, and not let anyone else entertain her time.

Even if you’re out at the club.. or partying.. or taking home other woman.. or spending time with your girlfriend.. whatever the case may be, she’s not doing the same. Not because she’s crazy or stupid, but because she knows where her heart is at and she knows what she wants. So even if you do not choose her, she’s not out trying to find someone else. She will always be there for you, even when you least deserve it. To listen to your relationship problems or pick you up drunk at 2am.. she will ALWAYS answer because you matter to her. She will never stop choosing you, over and over again. Despite her plans, she will always cancel if it means spending time with you. Even though all her friends are telling her to give up on you, that you treat her like trash, that she deserves better, she ignores it because she believes in you. Even at your lowest.

You probably won’t ever find a girl who can compare to her.. that’s a promise

She waits not out of false hope, or craziness, or sadness.. she waits because she sees potential in you, and most of all she sees potential of you and her together. She tries and tries because she sees a side of you nobody else does.

She will forgive you over and over after you have hurt her.. 

see, this is different. Because I promise it will change if you ever get her to keep as yours. She will not forgive you once she is yours, she will be stern and strong and independent. She will not let you walk all over her. But while you are not hers, she will be your punching bag. She will let you get away with things and act naive.. I promise she knows everything. She will never treat you the way you treat her because she loves you too much to ever see you hurt. She’s seen it enough through other woman damaging you, she will not be another one to the list. She will forgive and do her best to forget if it means you two growing together and the slight chance of making it..

She won’t add stress to your life once you are with her..

When you do realize she’s the one you want to be with.. she will not put pressure on you or make you question things. She will be simply happy you are hers and she will treat you with respect and love at all times. She will never take you for granted and always show her appreciation she has for you. When you only give her 25% effort some days, she will give the 75%, she will be your rock. 

But here’s the thing, she can’t wait forever..

Although she’s patient and she loves you more than anything in her world, she will one day get tired of waiting and trying. And if you take too long, she will get sick of the confusing mind games and realize perhaps you can never give her what she needs in a man. You will miss every phone call, text, times she would stop by in the middle of the night because you were lonely. You’ll miss her touch and the way she would look at you in awe.. And when missing her becomes too much and you pick up the phone to give her a call , realizing you shouldn’t have kept her waiting.. you better hope and pray to God someone hasn’t beaten you to it and gave her all the things you couldn’t…

And if you’re one of the lucky ones like I was you will be with the man who was rare, special, but most of all that I saw potential in and whom I waited for.. if he’s worth it, don’t listen to everyone else, wait for him. Understand him. Love him. 

Nothing else ever really made sense but you and I did

I don’t know why the grass is green or the sky is blue or why we are taught things that we never use in life. But I know one thing that’s true, you and i make complete sense. 

Out of the million questions I’ve ever had that remain unanswered, you were the only thing that I never once doubted, that I never once had to question. You understood me and I understood you, it was something we didn’t even have to discuss it came naturally.

You know I worry a lot about a lot of little things, but you are never a worry of mine. I used to be scared to fall in love, I was scared I wouldn’t feel it so strongly or that I would get my heartbroken and remain cold.. but when I fell in love with you, it happened in the blink of an eye. Our love is something so real I never have to question. 

I don’t know if I believe in fairytales and all those things were taught growing up. I don’t know if everything happens for a reason or sometimes you get hurt because better things are coming your way. But I’m happy we wet  picked for one another, I’m happy you’re the one I get to spend forever with, I’m happy I get to spend a lifetime loving you. 

Nobody really understood us. They believed it was impossible for the two of us to ever last. Maybe we once believed that too, but when people looked at us together, they could feel it too. The connection, the vibrations, the love. We are crazy in love, when I look in your eyes I see our future together I see all the greatness. Before I met you, I was never scared to lose anyone or anything, but when I laid in your arms I realized I may lose apart of me if you ever left me. That’s when I realized I needed to let my guard down, I needed to let you in.

I’m so thankful everyday for being the girl you changed for. And I’m so thankful for you being the guy I changed for. We thought soulmates was made up before we met. But now, it all makes sense. I understand how it’s possible to love someone so much. To do anything for that person. To grow with that person. So thank you for being you, thank you for being my person that I’m lucky enough to spend forever with, thank you for being the one thing in my life that always made sense 

He was the person everyone told me “I’m not supposed to fall in love with”.. here’s why I disagree

He was furthest thing from perfect, perhaps he was misguided or he hadn’t found himself yet.. he was the baddest of all bad boys you could possibly imagine. He was the guy girls would drool over, and the guy who would say anything to get them into bed. He was the king of all the players themselves. He was toxic to a heart like mine. A heart so big and full of love to offer. A heart that’s already been hurt before but still hadn’t given up on love. 

When I met him, he wasn’t the typical guy I would go for. Usually I’d go for the nice guy with a little bit of an asshole personality or I’d go for the guy who would give me the world but wasn’t neccasirly my type.. I would always settle because I liked playing it safe. I wasn’t much of a risk taker and in fact I was usually the one breaking hearts, not getting my heart broken. Because it’s better to hurt than to be hurt. I now have a whole new perception on that.

He was the guy that everyone had warned me to never ever ever fall in love with or even give a chance too. But for once, I followed my heart.. when I met him, the circumstances were not healthy.. he had someone else and he was still playing the fields and I knew what I was in for. He was the player that could never give up his game. He lived in the clubs and once 2am hit he would find some girl to bring home to fill the empty void he had in his heart and wake up in the morning feeling satisfied physically but emotionally he was torn apart. He was a guy that I knew had to have burned before for him to get the way he was. Because when everyone saw him as this player dickhead, I saw a hurt soul.. a soul that wanted nothing more to find true love.

He didn’t believe me when I entered his life offering friendship at the least, someone to be there for him. To listen. To understand. To lean on. But as months gone by and he would test me, he soon realized I wasn’t going anywhere and he couldn’t wrap his head around why. To this day I still don’t think I ever gave him a full honest answer for why I couldn’t give up on him but here it is…

“He was different, yeah maybe in a bad way but I saw past it. I saw the good. I saw what he had to offer. I saw the potential. I saw the change he could achieve if he found someone worth fighting for. Someone worth his time. Someone he could trust and be loyal too. Someone who wouldn’t leave. Someone who would know his past and accept it to look forward to the future. Someone who could teach him balance. Someone who could ease the anger, the temper, the bad thoughts. Someone who wouldn’t just be a girl to sleep with and someone beautiful and someone to have fun with, instead he needed someone so much more than that. He needed a girl who was strong and powerful. He needed a girl who would point out his wrongs but help him fix them. He needed a girl who would fight to show him she was worth giving up the bad past for. He needed a girl who would change him. A girl who would get rid of the insecurities. A girl who would fall in love with his flaws. A girl who would kiss his battle scars that he got from that one fight when he was 17 and a girl who would lay on his chest and listen about the girls who have broke his heart. A girl who would be faithful, loyal, and honest at all times. A girl who wouldn’t throw his past in his face the second an argument arose. A girl who would be warmhearted, a girl who has a past too and knows what it’s like to be looked at differently for something that happened years a go. A girl who would trust him over anyone else because she knew he would never risk what they have. A girl who would make his body shake when she would kiss him and a girl whose soul connected to his when they would make love. A girl who would stand by him, make him a better person, make him believe in a bright future, and most of all love him forever.. that’s why I stood by him. Because of all these things. Because I saw past the things people said, the person people would make him out to be. I saw a prolonged future with this man and I refused to let anyone tell me differently”

Sure it wasn’t easy. I’m not saying I promised him forever and he changed overnight. It was a process. A long long long process. It took months, years of hurting myself a majority of the time sacrificing my emotions because I had to have faith. I had to believe. I had to never give up since I knew this man was my soulmate. Something in me sparked one night laying beside him, we were laying in bed about three months after we had met, he was still with someone else and playing the fields but we were laying there so comfortable and kissing skin on skin. And just talking about life and how things can change in the blink of an eye. We were talking about relationships and how we stay with someone we don’t think we even love because it’s just routine and you know you can get away with doing your thing and you know you wont get hurt by staying with comfortability. And we were laughing and smiling at the dumb things we’ve done in our past, and I looked over as I was laughing and you were just smiling at me and looking at me. And I looked over and you quickly turned away. In that moment, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with the player who was toxic for me. But perhaps it was all I ever needed. I held that I love you in for months and months. I kept our friendship which was so important to me. And I let you do your thing. Hoping one day, you’d have that moment of “wow I’m in love with her”

A year following, you did. Well at least I finally heard it from you. I think it had to have happened prior but I heard the words I’ve been waiting for. You were committed. You were ready to give me the world. You were ready to change 180. You were ready to love me and take care of me. You were ready to let me in to finally let you see what true love should feel like. We were finally happy for the first time in our lives with somebody. No confusion, or secrets, we knew everything and anything we could possibly know about one another.

So here we are my friends, three years later since we met. So to all of the girls out there who fall in love with the player. It’s not impossible. Every guy will change for the one girl they see as their forever. So don’t let others give you false hope or belief. If you see potential. And if the connection and love is there, be patient. Let time do its thing.

How I fell for my fwb(friends w benefits) without even realizing it..

When I met him, I saw a man that was hardworking, sweet, kind, and not looking for anything serious either.. He was a bad boy but something about him drew me in. Maybe it was the way he carried himself or the way he would smile at me.. I was so intrigued. I needed to know more. From the start, we made it clear we both weren’t looking for a relationship or anything serious for that matter. It was just going to be “for fun”. And that it was.

We became bestfriends overnight it felt like. We were so open and honest with one another and it was relieving being around someone who knew your intentions and didn’t expect the world from you. It was exciting and new and we both just wanted to enjoy what we had while it lasted. I was myself around him, I didn’t have to pretend or fake something I wasn’t. I was able to laugh and smile and goof around with him, that undeniably scared me. But I ignored it. The friendship we grew in such a short time was one I realized I was scared to lose.. And this is when I began to worry.. Was I falling for him?

Being comfortable with someone else is an amazing feeling. Not having to hide any parts of you and being able to talk to them about anything, its kind of just.. calming. After a few months of talking and hanging out here and there, I found out he had someone else. In that moment, I realized, “well shit.. I think I may be in love with him”.. it was crazy and I convinced myself I was losing it and who was I to have anything to say or to judge based on the situation.. I was a nobody. I was simply his bestfriend. I dated around and what not while we talked, but it was never the same. With him, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt like nothing else in the world mattered. I realized.. we had broke all the rules fwb are suppose to do.. Now what?

After all, we broke every single rule the more I looked at it. We became so comfortable with one another, we would find ourselves cuddling skin on skin and laughing and kissing.. We found ourselves sending random texts throughout the week when something good happens or you saw something that made you think of them..We began to get bothered when they wouldn’t answer our message right away, lowkey wondering what are they doing?is she with him?is he with her? are they thinking about me? Countless amounts of questions wed never admit. We began to rather hangout with one another instead of go out to dinner with our dates, or go to a party, or anything else.. because quality time was just “more fun”.We began being there for each other a lot more emotionally and realized no one quite understood us like one another.

Months and months go by, and suddenly one random night, we look at each other and realize we fell in love. Absolutely not on purpose, without plan, without even trying. We fell helplessly in love with one another. And that my friends.. is how you fall in love with your bestfriend without even noticing it.

The girl I was before you..

I was always so independent, I took pride in that. While everyone was getting mixed up in their love fantasies, I was kind of just sitting back… wondering how you could give your all to someone with the high chance they can take it all and leave you with nothing but a broken heart. I never believed in finding the one, or fate, or that when you meet someone you’ll just know. It all seemed too unbelievable.

I guess growing up with two older brothers, I saw it all. I saw what boys could do and couldn’t do. I saw what boys were capable of. I saw the difference between a boy loving a girl and wanting a girl. I saw everything I did and didn’t want in a man.. so I refused to settle. I dated of course, I had my share of random flings and I liked a lot of “boys”.. notice how I say “boys” they weren’t men. I knew that. So I guess I never even gave them a shot because I wasn’t good at “falling in love”.. it just never seemed right. 

Than I met you. My whole world turned upside down. You were my perfect man. There was no running from it or denying it. People could see it in my eyes when I would speak of you, I finally fell in love. And it was so real. Not a fake love. Or fling. Or anything like that. I knew from the moment I met you, I was going to fall in love with you.

It’s not that you brought out the best in me or made me happy, not that you didn’t do those things but it was so much more to that. It was something I still to this day cannot put in words. You made me feel alive. You made me feel like I was the best thing that ever walked into your life. You made me see the beauty in being in love. You made sense when everything else in my life simply did not. 

It wasn’t all so simple at first.. we had our share of fights, breakups, disagreements, and rough times.. but we always found our way back to one another. No matter what was said or what had happened, we made it work. You made me let down my tough strong exterior, and I let you in. You made me feel safe and secure. You made me see a future and look forward to things like a house and family. You made everyday a whole lot brighter. 

Neither of us are even close to perfect but my god do we try to be for each other. We may seem a little crazy and psychotic to most people and that’s okay. We may not always see eye to eye and that’s okay. We may have a ton of differences and that’s okay. But one thing never changes the love we have for each other. We may not have it all together, but together we have it all baby. People would kill to have what we have.