How you know he really loves you.

You’ll know he really loves you when he not only tells you how important you are but shows it. He really loves you when he not only tells you his feelings but does everything possible to show you and constantly remind you. He really loves you if he’s honest and real. If what he has to say might hurt you but he knows his loyalty and word are better than secrets. 

You know he really loves you when he asks what’s wrong and refuses to shut up until you tell him. You know he really loves you when he really listens and doesn’t just pretend. You know he really loves you when he goes through the bad times with you and doesn’t watch you struggle alone. Even if that means him being uncomfortable. 

He really loves you when he is honest about his not so good past but shows and tells you everyday how you’re different. He really loves you when he owns up to the bad like cheating on his last girlfriend or getting in that fight at the bar. He trusts you enough to be honest and share anything with you. He really loves you when he talks to you about marriage family and a future. All of which he never discussed with anyone before  you. 

He really loves you everyday even when he’s not feeling his best or he’s had a bad day at work, he still gives you affection and holds you in his arms all night. He really loves you when you’re a mess and not the best version of yourself. 

He really loves you when he continues to show you day after day. Because his love for you can only grow, never fade. 

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here’s why no one else will ever compare to him. 

He knows me.

I’m not just saying like he’s knows me as in my favorite color or how I like my coffee. He knows me much deeper than that. He knows the ugly sides and the sensitive sides. He knows what to say and what to do. He knows what makes me tick and what can turn a bad day into a better one. He knows me, the real me, and accepts every ounce of it.

He cares.

I know you probably think a lot of guys can care for you. Love you. Promise you the world. Truth is, until I met him, I never let someone in completely. I never wanted to be cared for or loved or promised anything. Perhaps I didn’t care enough or whatever it was. It only meant something to me when he showed he cared, when he showed he loved me, when he showed me forever. 

He’s hard to deal with.

Puzzled as to why this is one of the things that stand out? He’s one of the hardest men I have ever come across but I’ve never loved any other man harder. He’s impossible sometimes and he drives me insane, but there’s nobody else I’d rather have. He’s complicated and well an a-hole sometimes, but I love every part of him. I accepted him for himself when I met him. One thing a lot of people struggle with. Not everything is going to be perfect, but if the love is strong enough, you will stay.

Lastly, marriage. 

He never was the type to be serious in relationships, nor have I. He’s dated a few girls for years/months at a time and maybe marriage came up in small talk but it was never the near future plan. I have dated guys for long periods of time but not one could I picture spending the rest of my life with and going through tough times with. Than we met each other, we fell in love and we can’t wait to get married as soon as possible. We’d do it today if we could. It’s not even a question or doubt. He’s my person. I’m his. And this, this is what it’s like to meet your forever person. 

Anxiety is real.

People like me who suffer from anxiety are usually the types of people who go unnoticed.. the people with fake smiles and bright personalities. Outsiders do not get it. I don’t care what you say, unless you experience anxiety, you can’t even compare it to anything. Anxiety is feeling bad for putting yourself first.. anxiety is never enjoying a moment because you’re constantly thinking of the things that can possibly go wrong. Anxiety isn’t someone being shy, or rather latching for attention, because often you will not know someone has anxiety. Someone with anxiety wants to express their emotions and thoughts but can’t because they’re in constant fear of being rejected or embarrassed. Anxiety is replaying bad memories from your past and letting them take over you and consume your mind. Anxiety is the nights of screaming into your pillow, shaking, crying, and most of the time not even knowing the reasons why. Anxiety is real. So very real. 

This is how I fall in love with every version of him

He wasn’t the person he was when I met him three years back, although I loved that person.. the person I saw him grow into is far more incredible.

When I first met him, I saw a version of him that was scared of commitment, who hated the word love, who didn’t do relationships, who hadn’t yet even found himself and loved himself so he was incapable of loving another human being. I saw a man who has been through too much his heart could handle, and the scars showed the hurt and the way his eyes would avoid mine in fear of feeling.

When I first met him he was closed off. He refused to let me in even the slightest bit other than intimacy. I wasn’t looking for a fling, nor a relationship but he kind of just fell into my lap. With him, I wanted to build a friendship first.. I knew that was the only way to get to his heart.

First things first he had to cut things off with his girlfriend, once that was out of the way I knew it would still be a battle.. months went by and constant back and forth but one thing never changed, I never left him feeling alone. And even when he would tell me to leave him alone and he needs to focus on his relationship or himself or whatever it was, I would still be there at the end of the day, and in time he saw that. The consistency.

We started dating and I saw another version of himself. A man who was petrified to fall. A man who convinced himself and everyone else but me that he wasn’t a relationship kind of guy. I begged to differ. I knew he wasn’t ready for stable consistent love, but unconditional love was all he needed.

Over time, he started to notice the little things I would do. The way I would look at him. The way I would kiss him. The way I would listen to him. Still, he denied any type of love, which I still, understood from his rocky past.

I sacrificed my happiness for a long time in the process with him. I spent nights crying and confused as to why he did the things he did. I tried my best not to let it get to me or to just leave him, but I couldn’t. He was it. He was my work in progress. He was something worth waiting and fighting for.

Overnight it clicked. I had left him after countless times of telling him I loved him. Countless nights waiting up for him to get home from the club, countless nights of questioning his motives. I left. And that’s when it all clicked. He loved me. He had loved me for awhile but he never had the fear of losing me. He never knew it was real love. He never knew the feeling of absence of another human being until I left him. 

Now three years later, I have seen about 15 different versions of the man he is, I love every one of them. He is my bestfriend, soulmate, forever. Love isn’t easy. Love isn’t simple. Love isn’t always roses and fairytales. It’s hard. You need to want it bad enough. You need to know the person is the one you want forever with. And if that person is your forever, they will come around. You must be patient for the things you want in life. You must be ready to accept any challenge the two of you could possibly face together. You two must be strong enough and passionate enough to want to face a million and one more challenges TOGETHER.. love.. you must know what the word means. You must know the person who makes you believe “love”.. 

He was the person everyone told me “I’m not supposed to fall in love with”.. here’s why I disagree

He was furthest thing from perfect, perhaps he was misguided or he hadn’t found himself yet.. he was the baddest of all bad boys you could possibly imagine. He was the guy girls would drool over, and the guy who would say anything to get them into bed. He was the king of all the players themselves. He was toxic to a heart like mine. A heart so big and full of love to offer. A heart that’s already been hurt before but still hadn’t given up on love. 

When I met him, he wasn’t the typical guy I would go for. Usually I’d go for the nice guy with a little bit of an asshole personality or I’d go for the guy who would give me the world but wasn’t neccasirly my type.. I would always settle because I liked playing it safe. I wasn’t much of a risk taker and in fact I was usually the one breaking hearts, not getting my heart broken. Because it’s better to hurt than to be hurt. I now have a whole new perception on that.

He was the guy that everyone had warned me to never ever ever fall in love with or even give a chance too. But for once, I followed my heart.. when I met him, the circumstances were not healthy.. he had someone else and he was still playing the fields and I knew what I was in for. He was the player that could never give up his game. He lived in the clubs and once 2am hit he would find some girl to bring home to fill the empty void he had in his heart and wake up in the morning feeling satisfied physically but emotionally he was torn apart. He was a guy that I knew had to have burned before for him to get the way he was. Because when everyone saw him as this player dickhead, I saw a hurt soul.. a soul that wanted nothing more to find true love.

He didn’t believe me when I entered his life offering friendship at the least, someone to be there for him. To listen. To understand. To lean on. But as months gone by and he would test me, he soon realized I wasn’t going anywhere and he couldn’t wrap his head around why. To this day I still don’t think I ever gave him a full honest answer for why I couldn’t give up on him but here it is…

“He was different, yeah maybe in a bad way but I saw past it. I saw the good. I saw what he had to offer. I saw the potential. I saw the change he could achieve if he found someone worth fighting for. Someone worth his time. Someone he could trust and be loyal too. Someone who wouldn’t leave. Someone who would know his past and accept it to look forward to the future. Someone who could teach him balance. Someone who could ease the anger, the temper, the bad thoughts. Someone who wouldn’t just be a girl to sleep with and someone beautiful and someone to have fun with, instead he needed someone so much more than that. He needed a girl who was strong and powerful. He needed a girl who would point out his wrongs but help him fix them. He needed a girl who would fight to show him she was worth giving up the bad past for. He needed a girl who would change him. A girl who would get rid of the insecurities. A girl who would fall in love with his flaws. A girl who would kiss his battle scars that he got from that one fight when he was 17 and a girl who would lay on his chest and listen about the girls who have broke his heart. A girl who would be faithful, loyal, and honest at all times. A girl who wouldn’t throw his past in his face the second an argument arose. A girl who would be warmhearted, a girl who has a past too and knows what it’s like to be looked at differently for something that happened years a go. A girl who would trust him over anyone else because she knew he would never risk what they have. A girl who would make his body shake when she would kiss him and a girl whose soul connected to his when they would make love. A girl who would stand by him, make him a better person, make him believe in a bright future, and most of all love him forever.. that’s why I stood by him. Because of all these things. Because I saw past the things people said, the person people would make him out to be. I saw a prolonged future with this man and I refused to let anyone tell me differently”

Sure it wasn’t easy. I’m not saying I promised him forever and he changed overnight. It was a process. A long long long process. It took months, years of hurting myself a majority of the time sacrificing my emotions because I had to have faith. I had to believe. I had to never give up since I knew this man was my soulmate. Something in me sparked one night laying beside him, we were laying in bed about three months after we had met, he was still with someone else and playing the fields but we were laying there so comfortable and kissing skin on skin. And just talking about life and how things can change in the blink of an eye. We were talking about relationships and how we stay with someone we don’t think we even love because it’s just routine and you know you can get away with doing your thing and you know you wont get hurt by staying with comfortability. And we were laughing and smiling at the dumb things we’ve done in our past, and I looked over as I was laughing and you were just smiling at me and looking at me. And I looked over and you quickly turned away. In that moment, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with the player who was toxic for me. But perhaps it was all I ever needed. I held that I love you in for months and months. I kept our friendship which was so important to me. And I let you do your thing. Hoping one day, you’d have that moment of “wow I’m in love with her”

A year following, you did. Well at least I finally heard it from you. I think it had to have happened prior but I heard the words I’ve been waiting for. You were committed. You were ready to give me the world. You were ready to change 180. You were ready to love me and take care of me. You were ready to let me in to finally let you see what true love should feel like. We were finally happy for the first time in our lives with somebody. No confusion, or secrets, we knew everything and anything we could possibly know about one another.

So here we are my friends, three years later since we met. So to all of the girls out there who fall in love with the player. It’s not impossible. Every guy will change for the one girl they see as their forever. So don’t let others give you false hope or belief. If you see potential. And if the connection and love is there, be patient. Let time do its thing.

How I fell for my fwb(friends w benefits) without even realizing it..

When I met him, I saw a man that was hardworking, sweet, kind, and not looking for anything serious either.. He was a bad boy but something about him drew me in. Maybe it was the way he carried himself or the way he would smile at me.. I was so intrigued. I needed to know more. From the start, we made it clear we both weren’t looking for a relationship or anything serious for that matter. It was just going to be “for fun”. And that it was.

We became bestfriends overnight it felt like. We were so open and honest with one another and it was relieving being around someone who knew your intentions and didn’t expect the world from you. It was exciting and new and we both just wanted to enjoy what we had while it lasted. I was myself around him, I didn’t have to pretend or fake something I wasn’t. I was able to laugh and smile and goof around with him, that undeniably scared me. But I ignored it. The friendship we grew in such a short time was one I realized I was scared to lose.. And this is when I began to worry.. Was I falling for him?

Being comfortable with someone else is an amazing feeling. Not having to hide any parts of you and being able to talk to them about anything, its kind of just.. calming. After a few months of talking and hanging out here and there, I found out he had someone else. In that moment, I realized, “well shit.. I think I may be in love with him”.. it was crazy and I convinced myself I was losing it and who was I to have anything to say or to judge based on the situation.. I was a nobody. I was simply his bestfriend. I dated around and what not while we talked, but it was never the same. With him, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt like nothing else in the world mattered. I realized.. we had broke all the rules fwb are suppose to do.. Now what?

After all, we broke every single rule the more I looked at it. We became so comfortable with one another, we would find ourselves cuddling skin on skin and laughing and kissing.. We found ourselves sending random texts throughout the week when something good happens or you saw something that made you think of them..We began to get bothered when they wouldn’t answer our message right away, lowkey wondering what are they doing?is she with him?is he with her? are they thinking about me? Countless amounts of questions wed never admit. We began to rather hangout with one another instead of go out to dinner with our dates, or go to a party, or anything else.. because quality time was just “more fun”.We began being there for each other a lot more emotionally and realized no one quite understood us like one another.

Months and months go by, and suddenly one random night, we look at each other and realize we fell in love. Absolutely not on purpose, without plan, without even trying. We fell helplessly in love with one another. And that my friends.. is how you fall in love with your bestfriend without even noticing it.

Until you meet the one..

Until you meet the one you wont get goosebumps down your spine and you wont feel a warm sensation running through your body. Until you meet the one a kiss will just be a kiss and I love you will just be words.. Until you meet the one you wont know the difference between infatuation and love. Until you meet the one you wont know the truth behind true heartbreak. Until you meet the one you wont understand the feeling of needing another human being.

Because weve all been through it. We meet someone and they give us butterflies and we fall in love with the idea of falling in love with them, but it never happens. We try and try and try till we cant try anymore but its simply not meant to be. We kiss them and smother them and spend every given moment with them, but still I love you isn’t in our vocabulary, its just not there.

Than you meet the one and suddenly butterflies become a zoo. The one makes you laugh uncontrollably and smile so much your cheeks hurt. The one will instantly make you feel safe in their arms and youll know theres nowhere else youd rather be. The one will make you fall more and more everyday. The one will kiss your imperfections and put you on a pedestal. The one will make saying I love you so god damn easy. The one will be clear as day when you meet them, so never settle for something average. Strive for your happy ending.